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Yeti
— The Return of the Headhunters
It had been two years since Sean and I
had set out to find Tahi, the underwater hell beast that had been
terrorizing the Lake Tahoe community. Although we never found
anything out there on the seemingly calm waters, we were determined
to never give up.
I made a promise to myself that day that
no matter where I was or what I was doing, I would never give
up the fight against what some may call mythical creatures. I
know that these creatures of Satan are real and I believe that
many of the children that you see on milk cartons are victims
of these agents of evil.
It was Thursday night when I saw the email
from a stranger in distress:
 I
picked up the phone immediately and booked two tickets to Nashville.
Sean and I were back in business. We flew first class since she
was paying. We ordered two vodka drinks each to start out and
began discussing our plan of attack.
"I say we buy a lot guns when we
get down there. You know they sell guns to anyone in Tennessee.
I think you can even buy them at a drive-thru," Sean said
as he motioned the flight attendant for more booze.
"Good thinking. I think we’re
going to need a lot of heavy artillery to bring this dirty son
of bitch down. We should probably lay out a few mines. Can you
order me another drink? We should also get a couple cartons of
cigarettes. We already know this savage is a nicotine freak. This
could be our best lead."
"Hey, she’s paying for these
first class tickets, right?"
"Yeah."
"Fucking A."
____________________________________
Peggy picked us up at the airport and
goddamn she was hot. I noticed right away that she wasn’t
wearing a wedding band. This trip was getting better all the time.
"I can’t believe I had a bigfoot
in my backyard. It’s kind of exciting," she said.
"Yeti is what they preferred to be
called," I corrected her.
"Oh, of course, well you are the
experts."
"That’s right lady. This isn’t
our first rodeo. I can’t begin to tell you about the horrors
that Shane and I have encountered. It’s enough to make your
shit turn green," Sean warned her.
"Sean, please, she’s scared
enough as it is."
"Oh no, it’s quite alright.
I have to prepare myself for the worst."
"Can you drive us to your house first?
Sean and I need to case the place out, see what we are dealing
with and how we will approach the termination."
We began the drive to Peggy’s home
but not without a stop to the liquor store. We picked up two cases
of Heineken, a bottle of Kettle One and a pack of Marlboro lights.
Peggy’s home was nice. Apparently
she was working as a manager of the local grocery store and wasn’t
doing too bad. She had cable TV and a couch so as far as I was
concerned she had it all.
Sean and I walked into her backyard and
had a look around. My eyes were immediately drawn to the famous
picnic table that Peggy had told me so much about in her correspondence
to me.
"There, that’s where he put
the cigarette out," Peggy pointed out to me.
I inspected a clear-cut burn mark into
the red paint of the table. It was enough to make me want to kill
every rat, cat and hairy beast that plagues our planet. This time
it was personal.
"Fucking slob," Sean commented
as he put out his smoke in the ashtray.
Peggy smiled at us, "I feel a lot
better that you two are here. Listen, I’ve invited my friend
Gloria over and we are going to make you two dinner. Now grab
a beer and watch some football on my DirecTV."
It was a goddamn utopia. I thought Tennessee
was for backward ass country fucks and trash can lifestyles but
Peggy was the mofo bomb. Just then Gloria came through the door
and she was a knockout as well. We were living the life that all
creature hunters dream about.
"Sean, you take Gloria and I’ll
take Peggy."
"Why do I get Gloria?"
"Listen, I’m doing you a favor.
At least Gloria is going to leave in the morning. If things get
weird with me and Peggy, I’m fucked, so cool out."
"Good point."
"They’re both hot so we can’t
lose."
"Another good point."
We sat down to a great steak dinner. Peggy
and Gloria listened intently to our stories of adventure; our
near miss at Lake Tahoe, the time that Sean killed a giant raccoon
that was knocking over garbage cans in his neighborhood, and the
time I shot seven pigeons that had found their way into a shopping
mall in downtown San Diego. The girls looked at us like we were
Ponce de Leon and the Sundance Kid. We were in.
I took Peggy outside and had a cigarette.
"Peggy, I want you to be brave. You are going to have to
be brave. Braver than you have ever been in your life. No matter
what happens to me, I want you to know that I’m in love with
you and hope that after this is all over we can talk about having
kids and living in the suburbs of some small to midsize city that
has conservative values. Someplace where Dan Quayle would feel
comfortable."
Peggy fell into my arms and we passionately
kissed. I brought her back inside and we found ourselves in her
bedroom. I didn’t know where Sean and Gloria were and I didn’t
care. What happened next was more amazing than the time I almost
got a picture of a dog that walked on two feet. It was the kind
of night that made me want to write Penthouse. "I don’t
normally write letters like this but last night was too good to
keep to myself..." I think you know the kind I’m
talking about. I knew in the morning this utopian dream would
come to an end and I would have to return to the task at hand.
I was halfway between heaven and hell.
_________________________________
I woke up the next morning to the smell
of bacon and eggs. Sean and Gloria were sitting at the table and
Sean didn’t look very happy. I ate my eggs quickly and told
the girls that Sean and I needed to stock up on supplies.
"What’s going on? What happened
to you last night?" I asked Sean.
"Everything went great. I mean we
had animal sex and then we fell asleep."
"So what’s the problem?"
"Well, I gave her the dutch oven
treatment this morning and she didn’t think it was very funny.
I guess I can’t blame her because it was really stinky. Like
a baby’s diapers."
"Holy fuck dude! That’s a bold
move. I wouldn’t worry about it. She won’t be there
when we get back."
"Yeah, I guess you’re right."
We pulled into a gun store and walked
up to the counter.
"How you doing today?" I said
to the sales clerk.
"I’m fine. How can I help you
gentleman?"
"We’re need to stock up on some
heavy artillery."
"Sure no problem. Getting ready for
duck season, are ya?"
"Kind of. Do you have an elephant
shotgun?"
"Yeah but that’s a little much
for the ducks, don’t ya think?"
"I’ll be the judge of that.
We need two of those, two dozen land mines and do you sell cigarette
cartons here?" Sean asked.
"We can get the smokes someplace
else," I said.
The clerk turned to us, "You boys
know you have to wait a two week clearance period before I can
give these things to you, right?"
"I think my friend, George Washington
will vouch for us," Sean said as he produced a crisp brand
new one dollar bill from his pocket.
"Don’t tell anyone what I did
for ya," the clerk said as he snatched up the single.
We stopped off for smokes and headed back
to Peggy’s place. We got to work immediately.
I grabbed the land mines and Sean grabbed
the smokes. We walked into the woods behind Peggy’s house
and laid out mines all over the place. On each land mine we placed
a pack of Marlboro Reds and a pack of matches. If this didn’t
blow this rat freak back to hell, then nothing would.
I had also purchased a secret weapon at
the gun shop that would only be used as a last resort. I feared
the power that this secret weapon possessed but knew that if the
time came, I would have to have the nuts to use it.
The sun was about to go down so Sean and
I hurried back to Peggy’s backyard. We prepared our elephant
shot guns and had a couple of beers while we waited for it to
get dark.
Yeti never come out during the day. They
are usually sleeping during the day or thinking about killing
people. It’s only at night that you will encounter the two-legged
hell hound.
"What’s the plan again?"
Sean asked.
"Well, we each take two packs of
smokes and go into the woods. You know where we put the mines,
so make sure you don’t step on any. We will chain smoke at
all times so that the Yeti will get a nic fit and have to find
cigarettes. When he finds the smokes that he craves, he will get
blown halfway up to Mars."
"I’ve got my camera. When
this fucker is dead, we have to get picture next to the dead body.
This is going to make us famous," Sean was clearly excited
and I have to admit I was too.
I turned around to find Peggy looking
nervously out the window. I waved to her and she forced a smile.
Sean waved to her but she didn’t wave back. Gloria must have
told her about the dutch oven treatment.
"Sean, when we are out there
things could get crazy. I’m not going to lie to you. I’m
scared. We don’t know what we are up against. I’ve taken
a precaution for our safety. I’ve got a secret weapon that
just may save our life. If I yell out the code word then run as
fast as you can to Peggy’s backyard."
"What’s the code word?"
"Uh, I don’t know, what
should we use?"
"What about ‘Van Halen’?"
"I don’t know, I might not
hear that."
"How about ‘Skipjack’?"
"I don’t like that one either."
"We’ll fuck you, you think
of something asshole."
"Sorry man. Ok, let just use
‘John Entwhisle’ like we always do."
"Alright, that works."
"Cool, let’s find this fucking
thing and wipe it off the face of God’s good earth."
"Right on."
I waved again to Peggy and started
for the woods. Sean and I had taped high-powered flashlights to
our guns. We were careful where we stepped and both lit up our
smokes.
I couldn’t see a goddamn thing
and I was on edge like a black man at a Republican cookout at
a Country Club. Every sound in the woods seemed like the Yeti
could have made it. For thirty minutes we smoked and walked around
in the woods, not finding anything. It was the kind of hell you
experience on a fishing trip when they just aren’t biting.
At least we were smoking. I looked over at Sean and he pulled
a Heineken out of his pack back.
"Shit man, I didn’t know
you brought those."
"Who the fuck goes hunting without
beers."
"Good point, can I have one?"
"Sure."
We sat down on a stoop and cracked
open a few, always keeping a cigarette lit. We talked about the
Knicks for a while and then about how bad Boston College’s
football team was.
Then I heard it. Sean and I grabbed
our guns and flashed light in all directions. It was the sound
of something large moving in the trees.
"Come out and face us. We come
in peace," I said.
The noise died down and Sean and I
looked at each other. Then it came again. This time it seemed
like it was coming right at us. It was like Satan himself jetting
out of the bowels of hell to take us apart limb by limb. I felt
cold entering me through each breath I took. Then something brushed
against my shoulder.
"John Entwhistle! John Entwhisle!"
I screamed.
We tore out of there faster than you
can say ‘Francis Farmer Fucks Fences.’ I jumped over
land mines and focused on getting back to Peggy’s backyard.
I remembered the secret weapon and dug into my pocket. It was
a remote control that had the ability to trigger every landmine
that we set out.
"Sean dive under the picnic table
when you get back there!"
I turned over my shoulder to see if
I could spot the Yeti. At this point I know I saw something but
what exactly it was I can’t say. It definitely looked like
a Yeti but it was weird. It seemed to be a beast with hair all
over it’s body but it was wearing only a Nirvana concert
t-shirt. I mean that’s the only thing that it had on. No
pants or shorts down low. He was just a mess of hair and this
concert shirt. I wished I had time to take a picture but I was
only thinking about my life right now.
Finally the backyard was in sight
and Sean was already under the table. I dove in, pulled out the
detonator and hit the red button. What happened next was the single
most frightening experience I have ever witnessed.
The entire forest was blown out of
the fucking ground and thrown all over the place. Fire, smoke
and dead animals were everywhere. Squirrels were being thrown
from the trees through the windows of neighboring houses. I saw
some kind of bird go flying through Peggy’s sliding glass
door. A tree landed on her neighbor’s camero. The whole neighborhood
woke up screaming. One woman thought it was the beginning of a
nuclear war and ran out of her home naked. Some crazy ass freak
in his tighty whities ran out of his house with a baseball bat,
knocked over Peggy’s mailbox and ran back into his house.
Sean looked over at me, "We gotta
get the fuck outta here."
"I’m with you man."
We ran inside Peggy’s house and
grabbed her car keys. All I remember is looking back at her as
she was screaming at us and throwing plates and glasses at our
heads. It was too bad because I meant some of those things that
I had said to her earlier. But now that future was as blown out
as her backyard.
I jumped into the passenger seat and
Sean floored it out of her driveway. People were pounding on the
side of the car and threw objects at us as we gained speed. One
kid threw a Tonka truck that crashed into the windshield but Sean
never took his foot off the pedal. I turned around and watched
as the neighborhood went up in flames.
I couldn’t help but wonder if
we blew Yeti back to hell. To this day, I wished I could have
stuck around to rummage through the remains of the forest. Maybe
we killed him. Maybe the firefighter that found the body thought
it was a dog or a couple of cats.
Sean drove straight to the airport.
We flew standby and got first class seats again courtesy of Peggy’s
credit card.
Again we had come close to killing
off another creature of terror and again I swore to myself that
I would not rest until I was sure it was dead. I will never rest.
back
to missing bottoms
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