5/21/99

I saw Phantom Menace at the world-famous Chinese Theater in the heart of Hollywood last night.

The whole situation was f-ing bananas. I don't care about the movie, and you shouldn't either. It's fine. Go see it. Who cares?

The point is that this chaos surrounding the cocksucker is f-ing bananas. We had to wait in a line that wrapped around the block like an electrician's cord during one of Leroy's autoerotic asphyxiation episodes. The atmosphere in line was kind of like a Dead show, only instead of annoying hippie folk, I was surrounded by Power Geeks. Doug Bruhns-style geeks.

And instead of hearing things like:

Kind veggie burritos, two dollars or pack my bowl!" OR "Who's got my Leroy?

I heard things like:

Brand new Darth Maul action figure! $750! OR "Actual pubic hair of Yoda! Braided into anecklace! Two dollars or upgrade my RAM!

The guy ahead of us in line had Chewbacca's head on a sterling silver serving tray. I saw at least six people dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi, and enough Princess Leias to send me into the nearset mulberry bush for a little game of "Investigate Paulie and the Onions on Charges of High Treason" (wink, wink).

Once in the theater, which is f-ing magnificent, things only got more confusing. Several people staged light saber wars on the stage in front of the screen.

There was a lot of random screaming and whooping. It was almost exactly like being Dr. Hunter Thompson... on goat steroids.

During the previews the geeks were so fired up that honest-to-God shrieking was heard from all ends of the theater. Bone-shattering shrieks. I mean, like dorks were springing leaks and whatnot.

The grand wave of emotion reached its peak when the words "A long time ago in a galaxy far away... blah,blah, blah" started their arduous march up the ginormous screen. Geeks started absolutely losing all compsure and any sense of decency. There was more shrieking, some crying, and a general pandemonium not witnessed since Leroy did the Scranton Dick Dance to a packed Bison (10/23/93 I).

As every familiar face appeared on screen (your basic R2D2, a handsome Yoda, Jabba the Hut before pizza delivery, etc.) people started rolling in the aisles in joy. It was like a AA meeting with Scotch.

Anyway, go see the thing with a packed house (which shouldn't be a problem anytime soon). It's stupid and aimed more at nine-year olds than anyone else, but it's certainly worth seeing, if only for the reactions of the assembled dorks.

I guess I shouldn't write "dorks" so freely -- I dressed up as an Ewok (as in "oh my throbbing ewok") and was selling plastic tie-fighters in line,

Two dollars or reboot my system! The hard way.