The
Legend of Tahi
by Shane Tobin
On my recent trip to Lake Tahoe,
I discovered something that would forever change my life. The
plan was to go to Tahoe for fun on the slopes, but when I came
across one of the most important discoveries of the millennium,
I decided that the snow boarding would have to wait.
What I found was a creature
that is thought to be a myth, a ghost story or a boogie man of
sorts. What I found was the Loch Ness Monster of Lake Tahoe.
Just like Nessie, it is said to have a long neck, small head
and green skin. Mind you, I did not see this creature, but from
the numerous eyewitnesses and bizarre stories that have come
out of this region I am more
than ready to declare that this monster is not the boogie man.
This beast, which I have decided
to call Tahi (pronounced Ta' hee), has only recently become a
terror to the beautiful mountainous region. There have been increasing
amounts of reports of missing pets along the banks of the lake
and headless bodies of cats found in the nearby trees.
One long-time resident of Tahoe
City claims to have seen the beast smile at him before the monster
picked up his car and threw it into a tree. Sailboats have been
found with gnaw marks on the side of the vessels which scientific
experts say is how the creature brushes its teeth.
Most people I spoke to in Tahoe
City were afraid to talk about the recent string of strange events.
But Herman Lane spoke up about the creature. He is the man whose
car was destroyed shortly after Tahi smiled at him.
"First it smiled at me
and I waved back. I was attempting to make contact with the creature
and find out if it could understand me," Lane explained,
"Then out of nowhere Tahi became enraged, picked up my 4x4
and slammed it into a tree."
The official police report is
that Lane was drunk and slammed his car into a tree after having
18 Heinekens at a local establishments. But upon further review
of the pictures I was able to see actual "Lock Ness"
type teeth marks.
"Oh the police and everyone
else think I have a drinking problem, so that's why no one believes
me. But truth is, this thing's real and likes to eat trash. That's
why I empty my trash out back into the lake. Everyone gets angry
when I try to feed that giant fish. Shit, I'm just trying to
help the poor bastard."
After hearing this engaging
story I told my fellow colleague, Sean Ivery about what was happening
to this tiny mountain village. He agreed that something had to
be done and fast.
We quickly
set up headquarters at a local Howard Johnson's. It was here
that the planning to capture and kill this ferocious devil whale
took place. Sean put a map of the Lake on the wall. I grabbed
a notebook and a set of crayons to sketch Tahi. Then we picked
up a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and began discussing how to approach
this.
"What are we dealing with
here? I mean, how big is it? What does it eat? What are it's
fears and hopes?" asked Sean.
"I think what we need to
do is put a face on this creature," I said.
"Right, right, so how big
is it? Is it like the size of a garbage truck?"
"Remember the cafeteria
in college?"
"The big one?"
"Yeah, it's like that with
a neck and a head."
"That's really fuckin'
big."
"I know, what we need here
is a large ship with a couple of harpoons on the end of it and
maybe even some dynamite."
"I might be thinking too
big here but what if we had a big boat with a giant hook and
used a cow as bait?"
This meeting went on for a long
time until we ran out of beer and then we went
to a bar.
Saturday morning we awoke and
tried to find a ship, a crew and dynamite. What we came up with
was a 16' Boston Whaler, two high school kids who worked for
beer and a couple of shotguns they stole from their dads. It
wasn't what we envisioned but it would have to make due.
We decided that we would make
our run at Tahi after dark since that's when these type of monsters
are most active. We met at the dock at 9:00pm and pushed off
with high hopes.
We had the two high school kids
sitting on the bow of the boat with flashlights. Sean drove the
ship while I used a bull horn to call the beast, screaming out,
"Tahiiiiiii, Tahiiiiiiiii, Tahiiiiiiiiii!" At a moment
notice we were ready to fire into the deep blue water hoping
to kill this freak fish.
Then I heard the call. The high
schools thought they saw something. I ran to the bow and knocked
one of them in. If Tahi ate him, he would die so that others
could live. Sean and I fired the guns into the water.
The high school kid in the water
was screaming his head off, "Stop, dear God, stop, you're
gonna kill me!"
No time to waste on his sorry
ass. We kept firing and after five solid minutes the water was
still blue. The high school kid had already swam to shore and
his buddy jumped off the boat also. The mission had failed.
I knew we were close because
I felt it. Who knows, perhaps Tahi was swimming beneath us and
we would never know. We docked the boat and went to a bar.
It was a good effort but I wanted
so bad to be the one who killed Tahi. Alas it was not to be this
time, but I will go back and find Satan's underwater servant
some day.
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