The Legend of Tahi
by Shane Tobin

On my recent trip to Lake Tahoe, I discovered something that would forever change my life. The plan was to go to Tahoe for fun on the slopes, but when I came across one of the most important discoveries of the millennium, I decided that the snow boarding would have to wait.

What I found was a creature that is thought to be a myth, a ghost story or a boogie man of sorts. What I found was the Loch Ness Monster of Lake Tahoe. Just like Nessie, it is said to have a long neck, small head and green skin. Mind you, I did not see this creature, but from the numerous eyewitnesses and bizarre stories that have come out of this region I am more than ready to declare that this monster is not the boogie man.

This beast, which I have decided to call Tahi (pronounced Ta' hee), has only recently become a terror to the beautiful mountainous region. There have been increasing amounts of reports of missing pets along the banks of the lake and headless bodies of cats found in the nearby trees.

One long-time resident of Tahoe City claims to have seen the beast smile at him before the monster picked up his car and threw it into a tree. Sailboats have been found with gnaw marks on the side of the vessels which scientific experts say is how the creature brushes its teeth.

Most people I spoke to in Tahoe City were afraid to talk about the recent string of strange events. But Herman Lane spoke up about the creature. He is the man whose car was destroyed shortly after Tahi smiled at him.

"First it smiled at me and I waved back. I was attempting to make contact with the creature and find out if it could understand me," Lane explained, "Then out of nowhere Tahi became enraged, picked up my 4x4 and slammed it into a tree."

The official police report is that Lane was drunk and slammed his car into a tree after having 18 Heinekens at a local establishments. But upon further review of the pictures I was able to see actual "Lock Ness" type teeth marks.

"Oh the police and everyone else think I have a drinking problem, so that's why no one believes me. But truth is, this thing's real and likes to eat trash. That's why I empty my trash out back into the lake. Everyone gets angry when I try to feed that giant fish. Shit, I'm just trying to help the poor bastard."

After hearing this engaging story I told my fellow colleague, Sean Ivery about what was happening to this tiny mountain village. He agreed that something had to be done and fast.

We quickly set up headquarters at a local Howard Johnson's. It was here that the planning to capture and kill this ferocious devil whale took place. Sean put a map of the Lake on the wall. I grabbed a notebook and a set of crayons to sketch Tahi. Then we picked up a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and began discussing how to approach this.

"What are we dealing with here? I mean, how big is it? What does it eat? What are it's fears and hopes?" asked Sean.

"I think what we need to do is put a face on this creature," I said.

"Right, right, so how big is it? Is it like the size of a garbage truck?"

"Remember the cafeteria in college?"

"The big one?"

"Yeah, it's like that with a neck and a head."

"That's really fuckin' big."

"I know, what we need here is a large ship with a couple of harpoons on the end of it and maybe even some dynamite."

"I might be thinking too big here but what if we had a big boat with a giant hook and used a cow as bait?"

This meeting went on for a long time until we ran out of beer and then we went to a bar.

Saturday morning we awoke and tried to find a ship, a crew and dynamite. What we came up with was a 16' Boston Whaler, two high school kids who worked for beer and a couple of shotguns they stole from their dads. It wasn't what we envisioned but it would have to make due.

We decided that we would make our run at Tahi after dark since that's when these type of monsters are most active. We met at the dock at 9:00pm and pushed off with high hopes.

We had the two high school kids sitting on the bow of the boat with flashlights. Sean drove the ship while I used a bull horn to call the beast, screaming out, "Tahiiiiiii, Tahiiiiiiiii, Tahiiiiiiiiii!" At a moment notice we were ready to fire into the deep blue water hoping to kill this freak fish.

Then I heard the call. The high schools thought they saw something. I ran to the bow and knocked one of them in. If Tahi ate him, he would die so that others could live. Sean and I fired the guns into the water.

The high school kid in the water was screaming his head off, "Stop, dear God, stop, you're gonna kill me!"

No time to waste on his sorry ass. We kept firing and after five solid minutes the water was still blue. The high school kid had already swam to shore and his buddy jumped off the boat also. The mission had failed.

I knew we were close because I felt it. Who knows, perhaps Tahi was swimming beneath us and we would never know. We docked the boat and went to a bar.

It was a good effort but I wanted so bad to be the one who killed Tahi. Alas it was not to be this time, but I will go back and find Satan's underwater servant some day.